Merlin Miranda Style
by XspriteyX
Summary: What this basically is, is the Merlin characters starring in a Miranda style 'episode' I have taken elements from both shows and tried to keep everybody as in character as possible, I also have tried to make a slightly 'unique' episode. So for those of you who love both shows please give this a whirl and let me know what you thought of it!


**A/N:** As we know I own neither BBC shows, this is the product of not feeling entirely well and being in the mood for Merlin and Miranda, their are elements of both shows in creating this little 'episode' I hope you enjoy and leave a review so I know if it was OK.

Present time

_Flashback scenes_

_Mer_lin_- _Arthur emphasizing Merlin's name just because he can

* * *

Merlin was sat comfortably on a worn cozy settee with a cup of tea in one hand, in a black mug decorated with multicolored fireworks, and a tin of biscuits in the other. He smiled "Hello there this is going to be interesting isn't it? Biscuit? Paws off they're mine! Sorry but I think I deserve some form of good as lately everything seems to be a disaster. Previously in my life I spent my inheritance and bought a small shop that I have turned into a mini magical emporium of a sort, it's better than in sounds! When you walk in the door confetti rains down from the ceiling like you're walking into a snow globe it's great! Gaius wasn't too thrilled but I think he's getting over it."

_Merlin grumbled as the strong cleaning fluids wafted into his nose as he scrubbed the leech tank, Gaius was standing guard behind him making sure he cleaned every last speck, Merlin slapped the tank in minor revenge causing a missed leach to fall on his nose. "THERE'S STILL A LEACH IN HERE! GET IT OFF IT'S GOING TO SUCK ME DRIER THAN THE SAHARA DESERT!"_

Merlin nibbled a biscuit then said "And hiring my oldest and best friend to manage my little box of tricks mightn't have been my best idea."

_Arthur spread out plans, charts and bar graphs out on the table indicating each thing as he spoke. _

_Merlin's head practically swam as Arthur laid out what probably more suited as a battle strategy than a guideline to running a small store, as Arthur finished his speech with "-And that is how we will take this world wide." _

_Merlin looked at the stuffed dragon beside him, he shamelessly called him Kilgharrah who was sporting a rather fetching top hat at the moment, "It's a bit much don't you think? After all we're just a little store that sells this." He tapped a black hat and stuffed very fake looking white rabbit sprung out with a "SPROING!"_

Merlin sipped his tea the continued "And I caught a glimpse and confirmed that Freya, the most wonderful and gorgeous girl I have ever known, has moved back here. I would love ask Freya out unfortunately I've never seemed to have the right moment."

_Merlin watched the dance floor as people swayed and bobbed to the beat, Freya skipped out from the crowd taking a quick sip of her drink then flashed a smile at Merlin. "Care to dance?" She asked over the din. _

_Merlin knew that he was ridiculously terrible and uncoordinated with his arms and legs going everywhere but where he wanted them to be, but this was Freya asking so no way was he passing this up. "Sure I'd love to!" _

_What he hadn't noticed was his shirt had gotten caught on the bar so when he went move forward he got stopped, he tried to recover by pretending to dance slowly out to the floor away from the bar that wouldn't seem to let go. _

_Freya not seeing anything wrong danced back matching his speed smiling the whole time. Merlin beamed in return then lent back in what he hoped seemed more Matrix and less hopeless and yanked forward sharply freeing his shirt but overbalancing and falling into Freya's cleavage. _

_If that was all that had happened perhaps he would have survived his epic fail, however in an effort to catch himself further his arms had wove tightly around her middle and his feet tripped over themselves so they took a rather suggestive looking dive to the floor. _

_When Merlin looked at her face sheepishly Freya looked a bit worried and like she wanted to be anywhere but there. Merlin coughed awkwardly "I suddenly have to use the bathroom." _

_Freya's eyes widened and her mouth formed an 'O', Merlin noticed and his eyes widened to "No no! I didn't trip onto to you and think I really need the bathroom now. Not that a fright helps anything most people nearly wet themselves if they get a sudden shock, not that I did! It takes more than a little unexpected tumble to scare me. The unexpected can be good, it can really get the blood pumping, the juices flowing, am I right?" _

_Freya cleared her throat "Um yes, didn't you need the loo?" _

_Merlin was sure his face turned bright red and hoped in the club darkness she wouldn't notice "Toilet! Right! I think I should go." _

_Freya barely nodded as he managed to quickly untangle them and all but sprint to the nearest exit._

Merlin groaned into his hands "It was utterly embarrassing. Right onwards so we can forget all about that!"

(Miranda theme)

Merlin all but bounced downstairs from his flat to the shop where Arthur was already behind the desk, quill poised and ready, as he raised his eyes to glare at Merlin.

Arthur said "You're late. Again."

Merlin grabbed a rainbow colored rock candy wand off a shelf and started sucking on it then he replied "So sorry my servant forgot to wake me this morning."

Arthur was very close to rolling his eyes as he said "You don't have a servant."

Merlin grinned "Which is why he didn't get me up on time, goes to show you just can't get the staff anymore."

Arthur huffed and resumed working, Merlin walked over to the desk and poked his shoulder "I thought that was a good excuse so what's got you in such a mood to not even have an amused grin at my quick thinking."

Arthur pointed to a pile of boxes by the door "My 'amused grin' _Mer_lin will appear when I see you actually doing something to help out by making a start in unpacking the fortunetelling set that YOU ordered. So no sweets until you earn them."

With that he snatched the candy wand out of Merlin's hand and pointed it in the direction of the boxes.

Merlin pouted at the loss of his treat and crossed his arms. "Surely the boxes can wait another hour of so? How about a round of your favorite game of find the sword in the stone? That always gets you in a good mood."

_Arthur peaked around the dairy products isle in the supermarket thinking carefully, he suddenly shot around the corner heading towards the fresh produce where he spotted Merlin waiting with a big plastic sword buried in a watermelon. _

_Arthur gripped it by the handle and yanked it out as Merlin applauded a little, he grinned saying "Almost got this time with that diversion in the frozen section." _

_Merlin grabbed his shoulder "Quick angry til worker!" _

_Arthur spotted the store employee heading over looking quick angry and swished the plastic sword in his direction splattering him with watermelon juice then turned and sprinted away with Merlin. _

Arthur leaned on the counter and made a come hither/closer motion to Merlin who obeyed, when he was close Arthur thwacked him on the forehead with his candy wand, Merlin squeaked "Ow! Whacking me with my own wand and no I didn't mean that in any other way."

Arthur pointed towards the boxes again "Get to it." Merlin rubbed his sore forehead and went over to get started "Wow you are in touchy today."

Arthur checked his texts, scribbled down some numbers and said "Well so would you be when you're trying to manage the taxes, stock, make sure that you do what you're supposed to and organize unruly builders who despite what their profession is don't seem to know that you don't bang in a screw."

Merlin snorted nearly dropping the crystal ball he was holding, Arthur growled "_Mer_lin!"

Merlin sat down at the little round table that he'd set up still clutching the crystal ball in his lap as he snickered "I'm sorry but the way you said that, I might have thought of it in a bad way."

Arthur shook his head "You have the mind of a child."

Arthur turned around rummaging for a missing paper as Merlin twirled the ball on his palm "And yet I'm still smarter than you."

Arthur growled "I heard that!"

Merlin pulled an innocent face as he watched Arthur for a moment then said "You're actually enjoying having things to sort out aren't you? Like you're running your own little kingdom."

Arthur preened a bit "Well yes with my excellent managing that stops this place going under you're free to call me your highness."

The door chimed as Gaius walked into the store shaking his hair ridding it of stray confetti that clung to him, "Really Merlin you still pelt the few people that come into here with scrap paper?"

Merlin scowled "I do not pelt them, if anything I welcome them into our little world of magic where anything can be achieved with a little imagination."

Arthur rested his head on his palm as Gaius said "Except of course decent customer service."

Merlin said "You know I get nervous talking to strange people I never know what to say which starts me babbling!"

_Merlin was sat on a park bench tossing a few handfuls of breadcrumbs to pigeons when an old man sat beside him, the old man said "Excuse me could you tell me what the time is?" _

_Merlin shifting uncomfortably said "Well sorry I would but I don't wear a watch as it causes far too much worry, have you had a watch? I mean their useful for pretending to look at if you want to escape an awkward conversation by glancing at it and going 'Oo look at the time must dash' but they never actually keep the time as they go slow or stop making you late anyway and all the wrist thrusting to check the the time can't be good for your arm, it must strain a few muscles doing this every twenty minutes." _

_With that he thrust the hand he'd been throwing breadcrumbs with in the direction of the old man accidentally throwing breadcrumbs as well, in seconds the old man was being swarmed on by hungry pigeons. _

Gaius huffed "A pity that nervousness didn't make you stay quiet instead."

Merlin looked annoyed as Gaius continued "Now Merlin I came to hand you these brochures to very accommodating colleges that would put up with your eccentricities, lack of near everything and set you on the path to becoming a doctor."

Merlin took the brochures "Oh that's very nice but oh dear I seem to have lost them." He tossed them carelessly into the backroom then said "Look for the hundredth time I'm not going to be a doctor, it's just not for me."

Arthur grabbed his red mug with a gold dragon crest on the side and said "Good thing too with how upset you get over a game of operation."

_Arthur_ _stood by Merlin's side all but looming over his shoulder a Merlin shakily went to get the leg bone, Arthur said "You got this it's easy to grab." _

_Merlin shook a bit harder "I know." _

_His pincers were inside the leg hole, Arthur whispered "Just grip it tightly and lift it out like you went it." _

_Merlin grit his teeth "I can't do this!" _

_Arthur slapped the counter "Yes you can!" _

_Merlin whimpered as he slowly lifted the bone out, Arthur said "That's it you've got this man!" _

_Merlin almost had it but then slipped causing the red nose to beep, he flopped on the table like he lost the will to live as he wailed "I killed the patient Arthur! I'm a horrible human being! I'm going to have to tell his wife I failed and his children what are they going to think of me?! Do you reckon they'll try to prosecute me for murder? I can't afford to go to prison!" _

Merlin said "I don't get upset over operation!"

Arthur said immediately "Yes you do."

Merlin continued "And I don't need to be a doctor when I have my own business to run."

Gaius raised an eyebrow "First of all if it wasn't for Arthur your store would have crashed a long time ago and secondly I hardly call selling packs of cards and soft toys a business."

Merlin spread a palm "It's a magical emporium and we're always keeping up with the modern market! Like look at this we now have a fortune telling set on offer."

Gaius said "Well perhaps if you're lucky when a young lady strolls in asks for a palm reading you can fool her into believing your the love of her life. With your lack of dating history you could use all the smoke and mirrors you can get, perhaps if you hid more behind your so called magic you might have a better hope of making a bride appear."

Arthur grinned into his fist as Merlin's jaw practically hit the floor, the door chimed again as a female customer strolled in and swatted at the confetti that rained down on her, after some initial fussing the woman turned to Merlin "Excuse me could you help me please?"

Merlin whispered to Gaius and Arthur "Just you watch as I prove to you both that I am just fine when it comes to girls."

He smiled brightly at her "Of course I'm not doing anything really except twirling my ball around."

Arthur hid a snort in his cup as she looked like she'd been slapped "Excuse me?!"

It was then that Merlin realized she couldn't see the crystal ball in his lap as the table hid it from view, Merlin scrambled up "No wait that is not what it sounded like, I can give to a free palm reading to make it up to you if you like?"

The woman eyed him warily "I just popped in to grab a pack of cards but I suppose it couldn't hurt."

Merlin grinned again "Great, I'll just set this where it should be and we'll get started." He placed the crystal ball on it's stand in the middle of the table shooting Arthur and Gaius a 'see I can totally do this' look and took the woman's hand with his own.

She frowned and said "Your hands are sticky."

Merlin answered without thinking "Of that's just some stuff left over from licking my wand earlier."

The woman balked and stood up, Merlin flustered "Wait no- that was not what it sounds like-"

But the woman had already hurried out of the store not looking back.

Gaius shook his head "And that is why you're hopelessly single. Now I must dash I have a meeting with the bookclub to attend try to be engaged or in med school when I stop by next."

With that he left the store, Merlin scowled at Arthur who grinned "You handled that brilliantly Merlin shame she didn't give me time to turn on my allure."

Merlin swept his hands out "Allure? As if. If anyone has allure it is me for I am allure abundant."

Arthur shook a finger mockingly "Now you've gotten yourself confused only I, the true bearer of allure can sense when someone else with allure is nearby just one look my way at woman fall at feet."

Merlin's phone beeped interrupting his train of thought, he flipped his phone open to find out what his message was, "Oh I hate these ruddy things for being so complicated oh wait...Hah! I have a text and not only is NOT a text telling me how much credit I have left it's from Morgana! Who wants to me to meet up with her and Mordred for lunch, who's lacking in allure now?"

Arthur sipped his tea "Yes if allure counts in attracting old school chums who you hate and have nothing better to do so they take pity and invite you out."

Merlin shrugged "Well it was as Morgana said 'spend nine years living in the same boarding school and you bond for life or go mad', now I have a lunch go to as I can't let my adoring public dine without me."

Arthur resumed looking over his figures "You? Out for lunch? With old school friends? Try not to choke on the chicken or decapitate yourself on a stool."

Merlin walked towards the exit "I have far more grace than you give me credit for."

Without glancing up Arthur said "Box."

Just as Merlin stumbled over and tripped over said mentioned box into the door, thinking fast he leaned on the door pulling another rock candy wand out of his jacket. "It's all about the recovery." He said giving the candy a suggestive lick and walked out the door looking quite confident, up until his jacket got caught in the door when it closed.

Arthur watched the door thump three times before Merlin reopened in it freeing himself. Arthur raised an eyebrow at him so Merlin raised his hand dramatically catching some confetti that fell down "Just forgot to grab some props so I can make a dramatic entrance at the restaurant, right now that I have everything I need I bid you fair well for now."

Merlin bowed away stumbling backwards to far and landing on his backside outside.

Merlin entered the restaurant and noticed that Morgana and Mordred were already sat at a table, he brushed imaginary dust off his jacket and straightened up as he walked to their table.

He cleared his throat so they noticed his arrival and with a flourish of his hands he tossed the confetti above him saying " Hello Morgana! Hello Mordred!"

Morgana smiled at him first "Merlin look at you! You haven't changed a bit, still performing little party tricks dressed like a hobo are you?"

She and Mordred laughed as Merlin pulled a face feeling a bit self conscious but forced a small laugh joining them at the table.

He said "So what's new with you two?"

Morgana flicked her hair "Well whilst on my travels I thought I met the man I would marry except he turned out to be a total perv who was only with me for my gems." She indicated her generous chest clad in a low cut top he just noticed, "So I ditched him, after all he's got to have the woman behind the generous juicy fruit don't you think?"

Merlin held up a hand to shield his eyes "Oh wow yes that's uh not very good, Mordred what about you?"

Mordred showed off a tattoo on his arm "Well I went on a druid retreat course for a year and it was great. They had sessions on learning to commune with nature, group healing and making herbal remedies as well as hours for channeling ones inner self. It was such an enlightening experience."

Merlin looked away mouthing 'Mental' before nodding and smiling at them "Wow sounds like the two of you have been busy."

Morgana clasped her hands and leaned forward, Merlin leaned back slightly as he noticed her cleavage bounced with the movement, she said "So tell us Merlin what have you been up to? Did you pursue that medical career Gaius wanted you to do?"

Merlin's eyes widened slightly as the boobs bounced a little again, "You move, they move! I mean, you see that's not exactly what I do, what I do is-"

"Merlin? Merlin is that you?"

Merlin turned to see who said his name to find Freya in chef's clothes standing by the bar counter, Merlin beamed "Freya! How good to see you! What are you doing here?"

She smiled back "Well I decided it might be a good time to set up shop and plant some roots as it were and here was as good as place as any, so I moved back and managed to get a job in this restaurant."

Merlin was like an excited puppy as he wriggled on his seat, "That's funny because I have a shop and live next door."

Freya replied "No way, what do you do?"

Merlin suddenly panicked, "I uh I own a magic shop as a hobby but I'm actually a surgeon." He almost smacked his own forehead wondering why on earth he said that.

Freya's eyebrows shot up as did Morgana's and Mordred's.

Morgana said "A surgeon Merlin? Really? I'm impressed what are you specialized in?"

Merlin swallowed trying to look nonchalant "Oh you know just general things but legs mostly. Yeah I'm a leg expert but there isn't a bone I can't work on with my magic."

Freya nodded "Wow so if I have an accident I'll know to ask for you."

Merlin grinned nervously "Yeah you'd be perfectly fine with me, super steady hands they call me."

His phone started ringing, he tried to fish it out of his coat but in the process dropped it down Morgana's top, he grimaced "Sorry I'll just-"

He grabbed the phone without touching her chest, the phone slipped out of his fingers landing on the floor, he dived after it grabbing it but banging his head on the table as he tried to get back out from under it.

He finally had the phone secure and opened it up saying "Hello?"

Mordred pointed out "Your phone's upside down."

Merlin mentally cursed "No that's just the new model, technology these days, right yes DOCTOR DRAGON," He mouthed 'hospital' and shrugged in a 'what can you do' way, "Yes I'll be right there."He snapped the phone shut "I'm sorry to run but you know what there's someone depending on you straighten their middle finger you've just got to hop to it." He jumped up out of the chair catching his knee on the table, he hopped in pain holding in the shout, he hopped on the spot trying to look pumped "Hopping to it!" He headed out the door tripping over the step with Morgana, Mordred and Freya watching him.

"ARTHUR!"

Arthur looked up to see Merlin charge in and brace himself on the counter, "Arthur I've done something slightly daft."

Arthur stirred his tea trying to seem as menacing as possible "Incredibly stupid is more accurate, did I or did I not tell you to unpack ALL that fortune telling stuff?"

Merlin waved his hands "Arthur forget about the boxes and listen to me because honestly I'm having a bit of a meltdown right now!"

Arthur pulled the spoon out of the cup holding it to Merlins face "No _Mer_lin you listen to me, you WILL unpack those boxes and you WILL do it right or else."

Merlin went cross-eyed as he stared at the still damp spoon, "You're threatening me with a spoon?"

Arthur thwacked him on the head with it.

Merlin clutched the spot where he was hit "Ow! That was totally uncalled for and nasty! Not only was that spoon warm and slightly wet but also probably covered in some of your diluted spit! I'm having a crisis and all you do is pick on me! That's it I'm going to live in the cave with Kilgharrah!"

The cave Merlin referred to was a dark little hole in the fifty four inch gap between two bookcases, it had been built outwards to sixty five inches using cardboard boxes and had a roof made out of super fluffy dark blue blankets with golden star patterns, whilst the inside contained one of the shops 'magic carpets' as the floor and various pillows.

It was used to house Kilgharrah the stuffed dragon when he wasn't out on display and in times of great distress, or just for a game that required a cave, Merlin hid out in the little hidey hole curling in it like a snake. Merlin all but vanished into the dark depths and Arthur sat his tea down knowing that his strange companion had made yet another silly blunder that was considered serious, well to Merlin at least, to think hiding out in the cave was his only option.

Arthur breathed out "OK what happened?"

Merlin said in an attempt an eerie wise voice "Merlin has been called away on an urgent magical matter would you like me to relay him a message?"

Arthur rolled his eyes "Yes oh great and mighty dragon I would, so would you please let him know that the king is putting his duties on hold to take the council of his minion."

Merlin huffed "The message has been relayed and answered with that he is not a minion he a great warlock and won't be able to communicate with his royal pratness anytime soon."

Arthur walked towards the cave crouching down to peer into the gloomy space "Well if my so called magician is to busy to come to me I'll just have to come to him."

With that Arthur wriggled into the cramped space made even smaller as he tried squeezing in, Merlin yelped as his hand got squashed "Hey what are you doing!? You can't get in here! Find your own cave to live out the rest of your days in!"

Arthur grumbled "Budge up I wouldn't have to be in here if you weren't trying to have an epic sulk over something that's probably not as bad as you're making it out to be."

Merlin moved back a bit then said in a steady stream "I told Morgana, Mordred and Freya that I'm a surgeon that specializes in bones, I all but fondled Morgana's breasts to retrieve my phone that I dropped into there by mistake and I pretended the reason my phone was going off was because the hospital needed me to reset someone's middle finger and I hopped all the way out the restaurant."

Arthur snorted trying not to laugh "Well... it could have been worse."

Merlin groaned squeezing Kilgharrah tightly making the dragon eyes light up gold as he it said 'How dare you treat me as such! How dare you abuse your power!'

Merlin flopped on the dragon in distress "Even Kilgharrah is abandoning me in my time of need!"

Arthur felt around finally finding Merlins head and patted him in what he hoped came across as sympathetically "There there I'm here to hold your hand whilst you cry it out you big girls petticoat."

Merlin pushed the hand away halfheartedly "Who says petticoat? Even I know petticoat is way past outdated and what am I going to do about Freya?"

Arthur poked Merlin's side "Is this the Freya that you've mooned hopelessly over for years?"

Merlin batted away the hand again "What other Freya's do you know? And I have not mooned over her I have had a perfectly normal and acceptable fancy of her which I'm completely over."

_Merlin walked towards the waters edge with a flower in hand, he stopped just before the water, he looked into the depths of the smooth liquid like in contained all the answers of the universe. _

_Taking a deep breath he went to jump in, only to get rugby tackled in the side by Arthur who held his friend tightly despite his struggles "Merlin I know you miss her but this isn't the answer!" _

_Merlin kicked and wriggled with all his might "Let me go! You don't understand this is the only way I'll get to be close to her now she's gone!" _

_Arthur grunted as a stray elbow caught him in the stomach "How could getting close to her involve standing in the middle of a knee deep pond?" _

_A family of ducks swam by quaking merrily, Merlin gave in "She brought me here to feed the ducks once." _

_Arthur resisted the urge to throw him in the water himself "Of course you're twisted little mind would think of that as some almost-not-date." _

_Merlin pouted before he stilled "Arthur swan!" _

_Arthur jumped up as a swan charged towards them holding it's wings up threateningly, Merlin stood beside him "We have nothing to be worried about... it's only a rumor that swans can break bones right?" _

_Arthur nodded looking far more confident than he felt as he said "Yeah, after all when would you ever see a person with a broken arm and think 'oh those swans'." _

_Merlin shifted from foot to foot "Yeah exactly." _

_They held out a grand total of five seconds not even letting the swan getting within pecking distance before they ran away like their lives depended on it._

Arthur said "Right if you say so. If you're completely 'over her' why do you care what she thinks?"

Merlin replied "I don't care. I absolutely don't give a stuff that I told a little lie to a girl I used to like. Nope not at all."

The door chimed letting them know someone walked in, Freya called out "Hello? Is anyone here?"

Merlin gasped quietly whispering to Arthur "That's Freya!"

Arthur nudged him hissing back "Quick then go and talk to her or I'll whip out my allure!"

Merlin fidgeted "You wouldn't dare."

Arthur spun wiggled backwards getting his head out to see the girl, he pulled his head back in whistling quietly "I can see the attraction you're 'over' and if you're finished with her she will be mine."

Merlin struggled furiously "Oh no you don't!"

Freya looked around the store and heard a commotion from a corner of the store, after a bit of crashing and some cursing Arthur and Merlin's top halves tumbled out of the cave.

Merlin landed on his back with Arthur's hands braced either side of his head and both their hair was mussed from the scuffle.

Freya blinked at them "Oh sorry is this a bad time?"

Merlin looked at Arthur, Arthur looked at Merlin both of them had an 'Ah this looks bad' moment.

Arthur said "No it's fine we were just having a bit of an adventure in the cave."

Merlin scrunched his face up in almost pain "Don't say it like that." He looked at Freya more hopeful "Arthur just got lost in the cave and I wanted to help rescue him."

Arthur caught on continuing "But I thought he was a creepy mugger so I tried to hit him."

Merlin interrupted "But he didn't hit me due to my fast reflexes and we tussled until just now because now that we're out of the cave and we can see clearly again Arthur's noticed I'm not a creepy person at all."

Arthur smiled in a humoring fashion "Exactly but it's an easy mistake to make when long grabby fingers are trying to rip your scalp off."

Merlin pushed him off using his knee and got up to greet Freya properly "Anyway what can I do for you?"

Freya glanced around the store once more "Well I just wanted to see your hobby store and see if you wanted to go out say tomorrow and catch up."

Merlin practically jumped in excitement "Yeah that would be great."

Freya tucked a loose hair behind her ear "Are you sure? The hospital won't have you on call will they?"

Arthur sat up rubbing his chest "Only if he needs to visit the A&E again."

Merlin kicked him back into the cave "I volunteer there sometimes to help stitch up cuts, after all I have the steady hands." He held said hands out and knocked a rack of broomsticks, Merlin plastered on a huge grin to cover up his blunder "Don't you love taking dominoes to a new level?"

Freya eyed the mess a bit warily "Right. So I'll see you at say twelve tomorrow?"

Merlin bowed "It will be a privilege my lady." Merlin closed his eyes thinking 'why am I bowing?'.

Freya waved a bit "OK great, see you then, bye.. Arthur?"

Arthur pulled himself back out of the cave holding up a hand "Bye."

When Freya was definitely out the door Arthur stared up at Merlin in disbelief, "Volunteering? Steady hands? My lady? You're building yourself up like you're some kind of honorable gentleman."

Merlin crossed his arms "And what is that supposed to mean?"

Arthur stood up "It means you're about as manly as a waifish nymphet."

Merlin scowled "How very dare you! I am very manly! So much so that I practically leak estrogen. In fact girls when they walk by me near enough swoon from one whiff alone."

Arthur grabbed a can of deodorant off a shelf and sprayed it at Merlin "That's a good indicator that you stink, just a little bit more, there we go. Now you at least smell like a bloke."

Merlin wafted at the spray coughing and hacking "It smells flowery! What is it!?"

Arthur read the label "Oh it's fabreeze whoops. Well on the upside at least you smell how you look now."

Merlin sniffed his shirt then nearly gagged "I smell like an old woman that's just walked out of a flower arranging competition. How is that in anyway helpful?"

Arthur quirked an eyebrow "The ladies will just be dying to pinch your cheeks you adorable little pansy you?"

Merlin held his nose shut "Right that is it I am manning up I will be strong, burly and sweep Freya off her feet. Then together we'll ride off on a motorcycle to the nearest club where we'll get so off our heads we won't know what planet we're on let alone who's doing what to who."

Arthur grabbed his cup of tea "How is Freya going to see you-"

Seeing Merlins dark look he tried again "No what I mean is how is she ever going to impressed by- Wait let me rephrase that you're just not very- I mean compared to me you're well..."

In the end Arthur waved a hand at Merlin's form "You're just so scrawny and helpless looking really."

Gaius popped in grabbing Merlin in a hug "Merlin I am thrilled! Morgana just told me the news! Well done my boy I knew you had in you!"

Merlin accepted the hug looking utterly confused at Arthur "Yeah so am I!" He mouthed 'what's happening?'

Arthur shrugged as Gaius let Merlin go at arms length "Now I must be off to finish the final plans for the medieval day tomorrow if you have some time do stop in but I won't be expecting too much as I know you'll be busy a lot from now on. Merlin the surgeon what a ring that has! Good luck my boy!"

Merlin clicked what exactly Gaius thought was going on "No wait! There's a been a bit of a mix up!"

Gaius was already out the door deaf to his plea.

Arthur said "There's an idea."

Merlin glanced at him "What? Actually start med school and spend the next few years memorizing the names of ligaments."

Arthur shook his head "No. The medieval party! Don't those usually have some fun events like wooden sword fights and things? So you and I go and put our names in the competition."

Merlin caught on "And then I'll 'beat' you and sweep Freya off her feet! Her very own knight in shining armor!"

Arthur clapped once "OK you convince Freya into going and I'll organize costumes for us."

Merlin practically jumped "Yes this will be brilliant! It will be a transformation of awesome proportions, just you watch as I embrace the inner heroic man I am." He pulled off and flicked out his neckerchief wafting it a bit, "I will be unmanly no more!" He danced on the spot in excitement.

Arthur frowned in a 'Merlin you are utterly embarrassing' way "You've gone a bit camp now."

Merlin paused flinging the neckerchief on the counter "Right. I'll be back in minute."

He all but ran towards the door as Arthur shouted "Box!" A second too late as Merlin tripped over it landing on his front outside.

When he entered the restaurant for the second time that day he was greeted by Gwen who has holding a menu, "Merlin what are you doing in here again? I mean not that you can't come in as much as you want as this is a public place. It's just that you don't normally stop by more than once a day and Freya told me you'd already popped in earlier and well...ahem what can I do for you?"

Merlin smiled at Gwen's little babble "I'm actually looking for Freya, is she still here?"

Gwen bobbed a bit "Yes of course I'll just get her for you." She paused sniffing a bit "What's that smell? Is it coming from you? Not that it's bad! It's quite nice it's just also quite strong, well not strong just more powerful than you'd expect is all."

Merlin sat on a stool "Thanks Gwen and if you're smelling fabreeze it's me."

Gwen giggled a bit "Got all fabreezed up for Freya how sweet!"

She went into the back to get her as Merlin died a little on the inside, but it was OK he reasoned 'sweet today sweaty tomorrow but no in a disgusting way in a wow he's so manly and handsome way'

He tapped his fingers in an attempt at drumming a song with his thoughts, so lost in his tune that he didn't notice Freya until she was a couple of inches away from his nose.

"You wanted to see me Merlin?"

Merlin started as he wind-milled his arms trying to keep his balance but fell of the stool anyway, Freya peered over the counter "Are you all right?"

Merlin all but bounced back up "I'm fine just wanted to appreciate the ceiling from a good angle."

Freya blinked "Right I see... what's that smell?"

Merlin answered immediately "Flowers. Invisible flowers from my hobby shop such a novelty thing wear one it smells like a bunch and you can't see it. Good isn't it?"

Freya coughed a little "Um yeah great so we still on for tomorrow? The hospital haven't called you in have they?"

Merlin nodded "Oh no it's all good I came to ask if you felt like changing our plans slightly to go to a medieval party tomorrow so we could have a bit of fun whilst we caught up."

Freya thought about it for a second then said "I suppose I could whip up something to wear for it, sure why not it'll be fun."

Merlin barely resisted the urge to fist pump "Great I'll see you then."

He turned to leave determined not to trip, stumble or smack into anything on the way out so when someone went to push their chair out he managed to sidestep and avoid crashing into them.

He walked backwards saying a short "Hah thought you'd get me didn't you?"

Only to back into Gwen who was carrying a salad that got split all over Merlin's head. Gwen gasped saying in a rush "Oh Merlin I'm so sorry!"

Merlin blinked a bit of lettuce out his eye as he blew another bit off his cheek and licked at a stray bit of tomato on his lip, he sampled the taste thoughtfully "Needs a sprinkled more of salt. Now if you excuse me I must take my leave."

This time he managed to escape but not without the hatstand trying to strangle him first by hooking the back of his jacket that his neckerchief normally covered.

Arthur took in Merlin's state as he returned and screwed his nose up in slight pain "What happened this time?"

Merlin propped himself up on a broomstick "I blamed my smell on invisible flowers, I fell off a stool and claimed that I wanted a good look at the ceiling, I bumped into Gwen who splattered me with salad and nearly got choked to death by a hatstand."

Arthur shook his head in disbelief "How? Just how do you do this to yourself?"

Merlin bowed his head "I don't know but sometimes I think the world just cannot handle my greatness and seeks to punish me."

Arthur's phone beeped so he glanced at it then said "Sure _that's_ the reason, well good news we have the costumes. Did she say she'll go?"

Merlin looked up grinning from ear to ear "Yes! So all this will be worth it for tomorrow the new me will be emerging from the ashes like a phoenix reborn! Yet not phoenix because I will be a man not a chick or on fire and I think I've lost my trail of thought so now I will stuff my self silly on chocolate frogs to celebrate my upcoming moment!"

With that he grabbed a handful of chocolate frog boxes and dropped them onto the counter tucking into the first one he could reach.

Arthur also picked one up "Don't go counting your phoenix chicks before they roast because for all we know she could just be hanging out with you to get to me. After all I have the allure."

Merlin glared and said back "You also have a belt soon to be one hole shy of perfection if you keep stuffing on these."

Arthur froze his second chocolate frog already half eaten "_Mer_lin are you calling me fat?!"

Merlin feigned innocence "No I'm merely saying that relaxed muscle tends to expand with leisurely eating."

Arthur glared "I am not fat!"

Merlin nodded "I know you just have more muscle than me. Right I'm off for a bath and to rid myself of this fabreeze stench."

He hurried upstairs stumbling once with Arthur's frown following him.

Merlin now wrapped in his fluffy blue bathrobe decorated into little golden snitches was sat on his sofa, "I've had three baths and I still smell of fabreeze. It's far less potent now but still I hope I can get something to mask the smell for in a few short hours I will be becoming a mans man. The sort of chap that knows all about sport and mechanics and how to get the lady's numbers with nothing more than roguish grin. Oh it's my time to shine!" He picked up a singstar microphone and sung along with John Farnham "You're the voice try and understand it! Make a noise and make it clear wooooooaahhhhh ooooahh, wooooooaahhhhh ooooahh!"

Arthur barged in through the door "Those builders are rubbish I would have been better off having you fix my pipes as now my living room is flooded so I hope you don't mind me crashing here for a bit- Were you just singing?"

Merlin who'd paused the game and tried to guiltily hide the evidence by standing in front of the TV quickly tried to hide the microphone behind his back "Nooooo."

Arthur dropped his backpack on the floor "I knew you couldn't hack being a manly sort of bloke and you hadn't even started yet."

Merlin held up a finger "Exactly! Manly Merlin starts tomorrow so I'm getting any activities that aren't considered manly out of my system tonight."

Arthur looked skeptical "I see."

Merlin held up a second mike "Wanna join in? It's your favorite song~"

Arthur pretended to think about it "Well I shouldn't but if you insist."

Merlin unpaused the game and they both sang "We're not gunna sit in silence! We're not gunna live in fear! Wooooooaahhhhh ooooahh, wooooooaahhhhh ooooahh!"

The next morning Arthur dropped a wet rag on Merlin's face to wake him up.

Merlin jolted awake spluttering from the moisture, when he worked out Arthur was the reason he'd been woken up he grumbled and burrowed back under the duvet "You are so mean to me when I took you in to stay in my flat out of the goodness of my heart."

Arthur poked the duvet covered body "You didn't take me in I invited myself and get up already! We're nearly late to the medieval party as it is and our costumes have just turned up."

That woke Merlin up a great deal quicker "How much time do we have?"

Arthur glanced at his watch "About twenty minutes."

Merlin scrambled out of bed as Arthur said "I wrote your name on the box meant for you in your size I'll wait for you downstairs and be quick about it or the whole scheme may as well be tossed out the window."

Merlin rushed out into his living room spying the box on the table "OK I'll meet you in a few minutes."

Arthur tapped his now fancy dress armor clad boot impatiently there were supposed to have left ten minutes ago, he shouted upstairs "Merlin we're late what on earth is keeping you so long?"

Merlin shouted back "I think there was a bit of a mix up with the costumes."

Arthur resisted the urge to take Excalibur and hack Kilgharrah to bits, "It doesn't matter if you a wizards outfit instead we can still make it work just get a move on or the day will be over before we get there!"

Merlin appeared at the top of the stairs and make a steady descend to the bottom, he glared angrily at Arthur and Arthur nearly swallowed his tongue with surprise and laughter. Merlin said tartly "See I think there's been a bit of mistake or you've been a bigger prat then usual."

Instead of being dressed in armor with a fetching red cape like Arthur was wearing he was instead buried under bright pink sparkly ruffles with tall pink pointed hat that had a trail of pink silk coming out of the top. Arthur cleared his throat shoulders shaking in the effort not to laugh, "I can see... pfft that there may have been a slight error... tcchh in communication. At least I know now what they meant in buying the costumes in a pair."

Merlin grit his teeth "Slight error? Slight! Arthur in case you haven't noticed instead of being a strapping knight to woo my fair lady I am kitted out in the puffiest princess dress to ever exist! This silken nightmare is probably enough to make a barbie doll throw up glitter!"

Arthur hid his smiled behind his hand "Yes I can see that but it's too late now you're just going to have to work with what you've got. Come on."

Merlin stared at him "You can't be serious. There's no way I'm going anywhere looking like this!"

Arthur grabbed his arm "Well you aren't staying here after all this effort! Look I have an idea when we get there we'll just find you a spare set of armor and you can change in a toilet so any crisis is averted and the plan will be back on."

Merlin gripped the banister tightly "That's a good plan, love the plan, just let me get my normal clothes on and I'll be right with you."

Arthur scowled "There's not enough time! You're going whether you want to or not!" In a smooth sweep Arthur tossed Merlin over his shoulder in a fireman's carry and strode out of the even with Merlin pounding his back.

Merlin wiggled and kicked and generally made himself as annoying as possible as he tried to get free and flee back to the safety of his flat, Arthur coughed as some silk blocked his view and breathing "_Mer_lin would you hold still it isn't exactly easy carrying you with all this extra mass in the way."

Merlin thumped more defiantly "Then put me down and we'll both be happy."

Arthur hefted him up into a firmer hold "Chin up Merlin only five more minutes and we'll be there."

Merlin slumped miserably staring down at the moving cement "Should we be worried that nobody offered to rescue me when I was clearly fighting for my life a minute ago?"

Arthur patted his leg "They most likely assumed you're manly enough to save yourself because you clearly had the upper hand."

Merlin smacked his back as hard as possible "I hope you felt that you clotpole."

Arthur turned a corner "And what is a clotpole?"

Merlin replied "In two words?"

Arthur reached the door "If you can manage it."

Merlin said cheerfully "Arthur Pendragon."

Arthur dropped him suddenly on the floor "Oh clumsy me I appear to have slipped with my grip, would you like a hand up dear lady?"

Merlin slapped the hand away "Rude and uncalled for. Right where's the toilets? I'll wait in a cubicle whilst you fetch me some armor."

Arthur looked a bit guilty "Ahh about that it turns out to get to the toilets you have to go through the main building."

Merlin stood up lifting his skirts to prevent falling on his nose "When I'm through with you no-one is going to find your body."

They heard a feminine voice call out "Arthur? It is Arthur right?"

Merlin hid behind said blonde armored man "It's Freya! If she see's me dressed like this I may as well commit myself a monk in a temple in Tibet!"

Arthur raised an eyebrow "That's a bit well thought out, considered it before have you?"

Merlin ducked lower so she wouldn't spot him "Once or twice, it was during those awful days we had no chocolate in stock."

Arthur nodded "Oh that makes sense you did go a bit off your rocker during those days."

_Merlin ripped open every single box that had been delivered that morning, next he scoured every shelf and cubby, in desperation he started tapping the walls listening for a hollow gap or a hidden safe. _

_When he heard his knock echo he picked up a small cauldron and started hitting that piece of wall with it. _

_Arthur came back from getting a cup of tea to find the source of the noise and once he had he stared at Merlin horrified "What do you think you are doing!?" _

_Merlin looked at him with glazed wild eyes "Seven days Arthur! Seven days there's been not a sniff of cocoa's sweet sweet goodness! I know you've stashed it somewhere and mark my words I will find it whether you want me to or not!" _

_Arthur turned away "Whatever you say you lunatic." _

_Merlin tossed the cauldron away grabbing Excalibur and charged at Arthur's back yelling a battle cry as he did so. _

_Arthur turned just in time to see Merlin trip over the very cauldron he discarded and fall flat on his face with the sword imbedded in a beanbag the little balls spilling out all over the floor. _

Merlin looked around for anything to hide his face until Freya passed them by, he found a fan tucked in dress bodice that hadn't noticed before as he didn't posses the chest additions that would have filled the space if he were an actual woman.

Fumbling fast he opened up the fan hiding his face behind it just as Freya reached Arthur. Merlin blushed a bit behind his fan Freya in his opinion looked gorgeous in her simple purple gown decorated with silver sequins on the bodice.

She said "It is you Arthur, remember me? I'm Freya Merlin's friend."

Arthur smiled widely at her "Yes I remember how good to see you here."

Freya looked around "I'm actually meant to be meeting Merlin, is he here yet or is he running a bit late?"

Arthur said "He'll be around in fact when you see him I bet you'll barely recognize him."

Merlin made a cough as high and girl like as he could, Freya said "Well Arthur I'll have a look around and see if I can find him so i won't keep you from your lady friend any longer, see you later."

Arthur offered a polite "Bye." Watching as she swished away into the crowd.

Merlin hissed in his ear "Hey keep your eyes up when you're looking at Freya!"

Arthur whispered innocently "I was merely checking to see if she was good enough for you is all no need to get touchy."

Merlin narrowed his eyes not believing him for a second "Uhuh now let's hurry I'll head to the toilet and you find an outfit so she can meet the man she's expecting."

Arthur made a quick salute and he too suddenly blended into the gathering.

Merlin tentatively and stealthily, as stealthily as a man in a bright pink dress hiding his face behind a fan could be, traveled along the skirting around people like they had the plague.

It seemed to take forever but he was nearly there he came face to bouncy cleavage as Morgana more or less appeared in his path. He really was starting to believe she was a witch because he was certain she wasn't there a moment ago, and to top it off Mordred was with her, Morgana offered a soft "Sorry am I in your way?"

Merlin really hoped he sounded like a woman as he said back "Well I'm just heading to the loo so if I could please pass I'd be grateful."

Morgana stared at him and Merlin almost wanted to cower under her firm concentration she said "Do I know you from somewhere? You seem really familiar somehow."

Merlin swallowed "Nope never met before to my knowledge."

He was about to pass her by when a hand gripped his elbow, he found Arthur there pulling him away "Come along darling I've missed you and I have some wonderful news for you."

Once they were out of Morgana's earshot and tucked in a shadowed corner of the room Arthur lowered his voice "OK I have some good news and bad news, which do you want first?"

Merlin said "The bad whatever it is I'm sure the good will make it not seem so bad."

Arthur clicked his tongue "Yeah OK if you think so, the bad news is there's no spare armor lying around anywhere here at all and on top of that there is no sword tournament this year."

Merlin processed this information saying sharply "What!?"

Arthur continued "Gaius thought there wasn't any point since nobody really participates anyway and there's not really a lot of room in this hall to do something like that."

Merlin rubbed his forehead "And the good news?"

Arthur pointed behind him "Freya's still here."

Merlin mumbled "I could be totally humiliated any minute for nothing and that's the good news that Freya will be still be around to witness it, how is that good thing?"

Arthur said "Well at least it can't get any worse."

Gaius tapped the mike that he'd been handed as he stood on the fold up stage he was standing on he said "Thankyou everyone for attending this event and to everyone who helped set this whole thing up I'm please we've had got such a great turn out in guests and since we are halfway through I wanted to announce the chosen King and Queen of our medieval themed party before we've popped a one too many. The King and Queen with tradition will receive a goody bag each and share a kiss, then of course we hope to spend the rest of the evening in high spirits and having a jolly good time. Now here to announce the King and Queen is our goody bag sponsor and volunteer organizer doctor Edwin."

Merlin whispered to Arthur "Let's escape whilst we can and get absolutely rat arsed back at mine for a mission failure."

Arthur said back "After we find out what poor pair of twits have to kiss."

Doctor Edwin said "I hereby announce that this years King and Queen are the wonderful couple in the corner of there!"

There was an applause and Merlin felt his stomach turn to much, "Please tell me he meant two other people tucked away in another corner."

Edwin said "Yes you in the pink dress with your golden haired knight, get up here you two."

Arthur glanced around frantically for a quick easy escape "Shall we run?"

Merlin nodded "Yes we shall. On three? One. Two. Thr-"

On the three someone bumped into him causing him to trip on his skirt into Arthur's arms who tried to steady his friend, as they flailed they got knocked again bumped into a very squashed painful press of lips.

Both their eyes widened in horror as people laughed and clapped, as they parted Merlin scrubbed his mouth with his hand "Urg! I'll never be clean!"

Arthur shook his tongue in disgust "You're one to talk what have you been eating to make your lips taste like minty cherries of all things?"

Gaius squinted taking back the mike from Edwin "Merlin is that you?"

Merlin stiffened as he could practically feel people's eyes boring into him, Morgana emerged from the crowd looking shocked and also amused "I knew I recognized you from somewhere I wasn't quite expecting this though..."

Merlin gulped "You see it's not what it looks like..."

Then his eyes found the one person he hadn't wanted to see Freya was staring as if she had no idea what to do or say, Merlin looked around him words failing him completely.

Arthur thought fast "That was great Merlin see you had nothing to worry about at all! You're a fantastic actor."

With that he threw an arm over Merlin's shoulders smiling like the whole thing had been planned, everyone looked even more puzzled.

Gaius said "What is going on?"

Arthur swept a hand out "Isn't it obvious? Merlin was thinking about trying out for a part in a community play but he was worried he couldn't do a good enough job to save his life, so I suggested he try fooling everyone by dressing up as woman."

Merlin regained the use of his tongue "Yeah that's right because if I could pull this off there wouldn't be anything I couldn't do."

Arthur nodded "That's right just like how you improvised really well about being a surgeon the other day, remember?"

Merlin grinned "Yeah that's right! Freya, Morgana, Mordred sorry for forgetting to mention it but I was so nervous it just sort of spilled out without me telling you what I was doing. The magical shop isn't a hobby shop it's my only shop."

Freya blinked "That's fine and that makes a lot of your strange behavior lately make sense."

Morgana huffed "I should have guesses I mean after all who in their right mind would believe you were a surgeon?"

Gaius almost wailed with the sad way he said "Why Merlin? Surgeon Merlin sounds so good! It's not too late to reconsider!"

Edwin took the mike back "I'll just have that... anyway ladies and gentleman please continue to enjoy your evenings."

Freya made her way over to Merlin "Well Arthur said I certainly wouldn't know you were you."

Merlin held his hands out a little "Surprise! Not too mad I hope?"

Freya took one of his hands "Not at all, and what hope could I have in resisting those baby blues if you were sad."

Merlin flushed red slightly "Care to dance if this doesn't weird you out too much?"

Freya laughed a little "One dance then I think we'd better call it a night before someone else propositions you."

Merlin grinned "I can live with that."

Merlin was spread out on his sofa holding heart shaped white pillow "I think it worked out rather well. Gaius of course was a bit disappointed I wasn't actually a surgeon in training. Arthur's sworn not to use his allure on Freya as he thinks she's the only girl that will put up with me he thought it wouldn't be fair to take away the only chance I may have when he's certain he can have any other gorgeous woman he so much winks at also he went back home as he finally the builders sorted out in what they're supposed to be doing. Morgana thinks I haven't changed in the slightest and still insists on hanging out some more in the future. Mordred went back to spend more time with the druids who's big thing at the moment is milking different animals their favorite current species is goats. As for Freya, well at the end of the night she came back to my flat! Just for hot chocolate and a chat, honestly I'd think Arthur was around with those sort of assumptions, and I have a very good feeling there will be an actual date in the future! Exciting isn't it!?"

A knock sounded on Merlin's door before Arthur stomped in "Hey can I crash here again? The electricity is out at mine."

Merlin waved an arm at him "Alright come on in." He switched on the TV holding a microphone, "Wanna join?"

Arthur accepted another microphone "Of course."

Together they sang "It's been fun but now I've got to go, life is way too short too take it slow but before I go and hit the roooaadd, I gotta know, til then when can we do this again? OooooooOh When can I see you again? OooooooOh."

The End :)


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